I had a birthday and I graduated nursing school. I was valedictorian. It was really hard, but I did it. I wish I could feel good about it somehow, but I just can’t. Part of the problem was the fact that some of my classmates didn’t finish. I would have given my blood to save them, but I couldn’t. I feel so responsible for everyone all of the time, that I take other people’s failure harder than my own. I guess I have survivor’s guilt.
The other part of the problem is just me being me.
I quit running. I’ll come back eventually. I managed to gain 10 lbs since Christmas and it’s really pissing me off. Don’t worry, friends, I’ll be back soon. I just don’t feel good right now. I can’t stand the heat and Oklahoma is full of it.
This lack of joy at my own brutally hard accomplishment has me thinking about my flaws. I’m not the kind of person to concentrate on what is good about me. I try too hard. I care too much about the wrong people. I can’t mind my own business. I let things get to me that other people easily ignore. (I constantly compare myself to others until I find a way to feel inferior.)
Here is a handy little list of all the things I didn’t learn in school this year. These are the things I might never learn.
How to ask for help or comfort.
How to keep a desk clean.
What to thow away/what to keep.
When to relax.
How to see the bright side.
How to escape guilt.
When to quit.
How to keep friends.
How to quit eating my feelings.
How to eat without slobbing down the front of my shirt.
How to feel good about something I did.
How to see myself as worthy, smart, funny, or talented.
How to look in the mirror without disgust.
How to be a better, calmer, happier mother.
How to take medication as directed without waiting to get deathly ill to comply.
How to be a good stepmother.
How to handle disappointment.
How to take a compliment.
When to stop texting someone who is obviously avoiding me.
How to stay motivated to make art when I feel empty, lost, or overwhelmed.
How to take a joke when it hurts.
How to follow my own advice.
I’m a great nurse. I almost deleted that to say that I’m a good nurse, but I’m trying hard here. I’m a great nurse and a flawed person. I’ve got a year before I go back to school for my RN career ladder. I should probably concentrate on learning to accept myself and get my poop in a group while I’ve got so much time on my hands.
Want to play along? What do you need to work on? Feel free to use any of my learning objectives.