I had a birthday and I graduated nursing school.  I was valedictorian.  It was really hard, but I did it.  I wish I could feel good about it somehow, but I just can’t.  Part of the problem was the fact that some of my classmates didn’t finish.  I would have given my blood to save them, but I couldn’t.  I feel so responsible for everyone all of the time, that I take other people’s failure harder than my own.  I guess I have survivor’s guilt. 

The other part of the problem is just me being me.

I quit running.  I’ll come back eventually.  I managed to gain 10 lbs since Christmas and it’s really pissing me off.  Don’t worry, friends, I’ll be back soon.  I just don’t feel good right now.  I can’t stand the heat and Oklahoma is full of it. 

This lack of joy at my own brutally hard accomplishment has me thinking about my flaws.  I’m not the kind of person to concentrate on what is good about me.  I try too hard.  I care too much about the wrong people.  I can’t mind my own business.  I let things get to me that other people easily ignore.  (I constantly compare myself to others until I find a way to feel inferior.)

Here is a handy little list of all the things I didn’t learn in school this year.  These are the things I might never learn.

How to ask for help or comfort.

How to keep a desk clean.

What to thow away/what to keep.

When to relax.

How to see the bright side.

How to escape guilt.

When to quit.

How to keep friends.

How to quit eating my feelings.

How to eat without slobbing down the front of my shirt.

How to feel good about something I did.

How to see myself as worthy, smart, funny, or talented.

How to look in the mirror without disgust.

How to be a better, calmer, happier mother.

How to take medication as directed without waiting to get deathly ill to comply.

How to be a good stepmother.

How to handle disappointment.

How to take a compliment.

When to stop texting someone who is obviously avoiding me.

How to stay motivated to make art when I feel empty, lost, or overwhelmed.

How to take a joke when it hurts.

How to follow my own advice.

I’m a great nurse.  I almost deleted that to say that I’m a good nurse, but I’m trying hard here.  I’m a great nurse and a flawed person.  I’ve got a year before I go back to school for my RN career ladder.  I should probably concentrate on learning to accept myself and get my poop in a group while I’ve got so much time on my hands.

Want to play along?  What do you need to work on?  Feel free to use any of my learning objectives.

Here is a piece from the lovely and amazing Drucilla Pettibone for the Gay for Eagles show. I love her. I love that her artwork has her hand all over it. I can tell by looking at a thumbnail that something was made by Dru. She mixes vintage fabrics with rich embroidery and makes frickin’ awesome stuff. Check out the texture. My goodness…

More show info here: http://www.hotelhadleystudios.com/?p=453

It took a long time.  I had a mostly finished portrait for a while, but I just wasn’t happy with it.  I couldn’t get the phrase Owl-Eyed Athena out of my head when I was working on it.  Since so much of Penny’s work is about mythology, I thought of her as a warrior/genius with big, creepy, owly eyes. 

I’m confused about this portrait.  I hate it because I’m shaking with self doubt all day every day lately.  I feel like a fraud artistically.  I also love this.  Honestly I think this is the most beautiful portrait I’ve ever made. 

Whatever.  It is what it is.  Now I need to make peace with my life and art and move on.

I’m extremely depressed that I spent my day taking a miserable Mental Health Nursing exam instead of attending the show at Hotel Hadley Studios.  If I had known how bad the test would be, I’d have tried harder to go to NC.  School is such a beast right now that I can’t even schedule a doctor’s appointment.  I can’t miss 5 fucking minutes and non-nursing students have a hard time understanding that.  The end is in sight, but it feels farther away than ever right now.  I graduate June 10, then I get to sit for the NCLEX-PN.  Then I get to do another year of this to become an RN.  I’ve decided that taking some time off to just work as an LPN is the best decision for my mental and physical health right now. 

Every LPN to RN career ladder nurse I’ve met says that the RN (care plan writing school) portion of the ladder is much easier than the LPN portion.  I didn’t respect LPNs the way I should have.  I thought they were just glorified CNAs.  I had no idea how hard the schooling was.  I had no idea how hard they work.  With the exception of hanging blood, pushing certain IV cardiac medications, and writing care plans, LPNs do full nursing duties.  They just don’t get paid much to do it.  They also don’t get the respect they deserve.  God bless nurses no matter what letters follow their names!

In other news, Leanne Prain wrote a book about unexpected embroidery to be published this Fall.  I am so honored to be interviewed in this book.  The Amazon page is up.  Add this baby to your wishlist!  Here is the publisher’s description:

Catch me if you can!, originally uploaded by maltoodle.

*This isn’t my embroidery. Click through to see who owns it.

I don’t have a lof of self esteem, especially when it comes to body image. That should be no surprise to anyone. I wear a size 14. My butt bounces when I run. No matter how much weight I lose, I still feel like a loser.

It’s hard for me to run outside. On the treadmill, nobody can see me and I’m free to jiggle all over the place. Out in public I get paranoid. People stare, especially men. I feel completely self-consious. I am the only fat runner in the neighborhood. The running track next to our house is full of skinny women in tiny shorts.

Anyway, I was out for a quick 3 mile run yesterday (an “easy 3″ even though it isn’t exactly easy for me yet.) I saw a morbidly obese woman on a Rascal Scooter out walking her little dog. As I got closer, I waved hello and yelled, “Cute dog!” She smiled and started clapping and cheering for me as I ran past her. It almost made me cry.

It was a weird feeling. I started running so I wouldn’t end up like her–sick and disabled. Now I run because I love it–even though I’m slow and fat. I was bracing myself to be judged harshly for my appearance, but somebody out there treated me like a hero. It was a moving experience.

What could we all do if we didn’t fear criticism? What could we all do if we had a little encouragement? I’m going to run 1000 miles this year. I left my fear three miles back.

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Wow.

Crunchy numbers

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 10,000 times in 2010. That’s about 24 full 747s.

In 2010, there were 50 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 285 posts. There were 52 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 75mb. That’s about 4 pictures per month.

The busiest day of the year was May 13th with 305 views. The most popular post that day was Mission Accomplished.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were kniterdone.blogspot.com, ravelry.com, flickr.com, feelingstitchy.com, and facebook.com.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for suicide notes, crochet bags, cervical dysplasia, pictures of cervical dysplasia, and sewing blog.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

Mission Accomplished May 2010
5 comments

Crochet Pattern: Stethoscope Cozy June 2010
2 comments

Interview with Penny Nickels June 2010
8 comments

Crochet Pattern: Papa’s Hobo Hands November 2008

When I had Cervical Dysplasia… May 2009
2 comments

I had a really crappy run yesterday.  I got a side ache every 30 seconds.  I hurt everywhere.  I had to stop at one point and drink a G2 and take a hydrocortisone tablet–the steroid I take to stay alive with Addison’s Disease.  Every minute was pain and disappointment.  I was beating myself up physically and emotionally.  Then I decided to suck it up and get back on the treadmill. 

I was a mile and a half short of my goal.  It took me 70 minutes to run 4.5 stinking miles.  I probably could have walked faster.  Then I remembered that 4 short months ago I couldn’t run a block.  I could barely walk a mile.  5 months ago, a side ache would have put me on the couch for another year.  Now a 4.5 mile run is a failure?  Nope, I won’t allow myself to feel that way.  I’ve passed the 5K mark and started training for a half marathon.  I’m running over 20 miles a week.  It may not sound like a lot to veteran runners, but it’s a lot for me.  I’ve maintained my 50 pound weight loss through the holidays because I burn through all of the cookies and cheesecake I’ve been baking.  I ran after Christmas shopping and I ran on Christmas Eve.  When I feel stressed, I run to calm down and think.  I find the energy to take care of myself when I am exhausted and sick.  Fighting back from depression and serious endocrine disorders has made me mentally tough.  I know I have the resolve to dig deep and stay strong.

I’ve been learning to forgive myself for being human and for being sick.  I’m learning to pick and choose what I want to accomplish in a day and forgetting everything else. 

My artwork is suffering a little because I spend so much time in school and running, but I’m okay with that.  Art will come back.  There are seasons in life.  I’ll have more art to give if I take this time to care for my health.  I’m slowly working on a portrait of Penny Nickels.  The background is a vintage apron from the 1970s.  I’d love to sit down and finish it this week, but it’s not the right time.  I’ve probably got 100 more hours of work.  It will happen when it happens.

The theme is childhood holiday memories and consumer consumption.  Artists with very different media all contributed.  I was pretty impressed with David Todd Trost’s ceramics (below).  The whole show is really fun, though.  You can purchase by contacting Jordan through   http://www.360seegallery.com/exhibit/door_busters_bigtime. 

This candy necklace by Rebecca Zemans is pretty fun, too. 

Check it out.  Stop by if you live in Chicago.  There is free Christmas Eve/Hanukkah delivery within 20 miles for all purchases.

1. Lace portrait with cast shadow, 2. Untitled, 3. The Ladies of Aeschylus are complete!, 4. I Bleed, 5. For the Craftivist Collective’s bed-in quilt, 6. thank you note for my hosts, 7. Amyclae Commemorative Stamp, 8. Broke a Man’s Heart, 9. “You Are Cordially Invited”, 10. Untitled, 11. I was never fully comfortable…, 12. color test

Add your work to the pool! (If your privacy settings don’t let me share I can’t post your work here. You can still join the group, though.)

Have a Happy Thanksgiving, Americans!  I get 3 precious days off from school.  I plan on running 5K and eating my weight in pie.  I’m starting with this recipe.

If you’ve never been to nursing school, it’s nothing like college.  This is hard.  You study (yes, even the really smart people who never have to study have to study) like a maniac, then get up at 5 in the morning for rounds.  You take care of actual live human beings and try really hard not to fuck up and hurt them.  You work until you want to cry some days.  You run every time there is a bedpan to empty or a bed to change because you have to prove yourself.  You have to want to succeed and you have to prove it to your instructors and the hospital nursing staff.  You clean up puke without gagging, you do procedures that hurt the patient and you don’t cry.  You suck it up and keep going.  Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning.  Then I remember that drama isn’t going to help me, so I get out my books. 

This piece is called “Waiting Room.”  It is hand embroidery with cotton and linen floss on a scrub smock from the Army hospital where I was born.  This shirt used to be a deep burgundy, but it has seen countless surgeries, lives and death.  This shirt has seen blood and vomit and tears.  It’s been washed too many times to count.  Now I see the blood and the scrubbing and I watch to see how it will change my colors. 

I’m just plain grateful to be a part of medicine.