I’ve been a little busy. I’m in clinicals 3 days a week and working my butt off studying for two tests a week. I mean I’ve literally been working my butt off. I’ve lost 48 pounds. I average over 10,000 steps per shift at the hospital. My pedometer doesn’t measure moving patients, making beds, and generally shaking in my boots as I try new skills on actual human beings. Then I come home and run (okay I jog) a few miles.
I’ve managed to finish these two pieces. I’ve always wanted to do portraits of Pez Dispensers. They have a personality all their own. I was playing with the concept of hero worship when I decided to use repuposed USAF uniforms as backgrounds. They turned out okay! I really can’t believe that I found the time to finish them. They are headed for a show in Chicago this November. I’ll post more details when I get them.
In other news, I found out that I have Addison’s Disease. I’ve probably had it for over 15 years as my body slowly attacked my adrenal glands. It’s rare and incurable, but very managable. My body quit making cortisol, the “stress hormone.” You can’t live without it. The symptoms are: fatigue, weakness, dizziness, hyperpigmentation (my armpits turned coppery brown), low blood pressure, hypoglycemia and…depression. I was weak and sick and exhausted. Now that I’m taking steroids to replace what my body wasn’t making, I feel so much better. The medication makes me hungry, but I am exercising so hard that it doesn’t matter. I’ve also started taking some thyroid hormone. I’m finally on a level playing field and it’s amazing what I can get done in a day with a functioning endocrine system.
Life is good. I wasn’t lazy and dwelling on my depression. I was really fucking tired.
That said, I had issues. I still have issues. I can’t just give up on exploring my emotions because I found a physical reason for my overwhelming fatigue. I know that a lot of you still have depression that won’t have a “quick fix.” (It only took 15 years!) For years and years doctors treated me like my exhaustion was my fault for not going to counseling enough, exercising enough, for eating too much sugar, because I didn’t drink enough water, because I didn’t forgive people fully, because I lived in the past, for feeling sorry for myself, for being too negative, for not wanting to get better, because I’m such a hypochondriac, etc.
I don’t think that anybody should suffer for years because medical staff act like the illness is the patient’s fault. I was tired of hearing how my fatigue was due to my noncompliance and piss-poor attitude. I follow doctors’ orders. I blamed myself. I struggled. I sincerely hope that you don’t put up with it, whether your problem is physical or emotional. Nobody deserves to suffer. Keep trying.